Dark Side of the Signs

ARIES

An innate ability to give authoritative military commands is the essence of your sign, but when others disobey you are puzzled and slightly hurt. You do know what’s best, after all. And if you yell loudly enough they will, eventually, understand. You cheerfully rearrange the furniture inside people’s heads and march away muttering ‘people to see, places to go’. Ultimately, you have no secret strategies, but this doesn’t matter because you are plugged into the national grid and in the end, everyone else is far too exhausted to murmur ‘no’.

TAURUS

’Slowly but surely wins the race’ is what you say. It is your life philosophy. And the thing is, nobody will ever persuade you to do things differently. Because you are so stubborn, so fixed, so earthy you are like some kind of stubborn, fixed, earthy thing. Or a rock face. Annoyingly, you sometimes do win the race – accumulating wealth, property, and status as you plod along. You see, yes, you were right. The story of the tortoise and the hare was right. Or the ant (good) and the stupid, improvident grasshopper (ridiculous)…..In the end it’s all about prudence isn’t it..Smug? Indeed. But comfy and cosy. Oh yes.

GEMINI

You possess the fascinating, charismatic allure of the sociopath. Perhaps it’s the breath-taking lies you tell, the spin you put on everything, or the dizzying speed of your mental processes. People are charmed, disappointed, charmed, infuriated….they can’t pin you down can they? They stumble about in the random thought generator which is your mind, lost and confused. And so are you. And you know, deep inside, that there is more than one of you in there. It’s a Jekyll and Hyde kind of thing. Sometimes there’s a supporting cast as well. Great. You do so need someone to talk to.

CANCER

As the Moon (your ruling planet) waxes and wanes in the night sky you are subject to mood swings of astonishing, ancient complexity. To ease this you hold on tightly to everything in your immediate vicinity – people, memories, receipts, half-eaten packets of crisps. You never, ever let go. Nobody understands you. You move sideways across the beach, zig-zagging towards your goals and hiding in rock pools. Sometimes you make a lot of money. But you never tell anyone. Or if you do you will probably have to kill them eventually.

LEO

There you are – radiant, playful, and such a little sunbeam. What’s not to like? The claws, mainly. You like to keep these sheathed, but you can’t help yourself sometimes. Someone tells you that you look tired. Or dares to disagree with you. Clearly, they do not know who you are. The fools! After this point it’s like one of those wild-life documentaries. It gets bloody. But you are quite deliciously lazy and easily distracted by flattery and shopping, so you soon forget that part. Until the next time. You need staff really. Or a minder. Because sometimes your victims retaliate.

VIRGO

You are blessed to have incarnated in modern times. Without antiseptics and antibiotics and waxing how would you get through the day? Nobody seems to grasp the dangers of infection and dirt in quite the way you do. You are not afraid to tell them either, because you enjoy giving constructive criticism, as you like to call it. Yours, after all, is the sign of service to others. But how ever helpful you are, it never seems to be enough. Chaos and filth reign and your work is never done. Karma can be very cruel.

LIBRA

Balancing the scales of your psyche is your life’s task. To this end you constantly say things like ‘ on the one hand, on the other hand’ – applying this modus operandi to everything – relationships, outfits, holiday plans, menus. But you are cunning. Machiavellian even. Because underneath you know exactly what you want, and how to get it. Your ruthless charm bathes others in a sweet, warm glow and they fail to notice what you’re up to until it’s way too late. Still, death by chocolate – it could be worse.

SCORPIO

Dark side? Bah humbug. You are a smouldering gothic creature and proud of it. If you are in denial about this you are in big trouble. Being awake for a thousand years gives you the edge over everybody else. Nobody nurses a grudge like you do, because you know revenge is a dish best served icy cold. Your poisonous sting is fatal, but lack of self-acceptance means you will use it on yourself one day and then the sky will darken, the mirror will crack, and your bones will turn to dust in a heartbeat.. To avoid this you probably require a lot of sex, money, and a shrink.

SAGITTARIUS

Symbolised by the mythic centaur, you are half-human, half-horse. You are fine in a large paddock, but react badly to life in a stable. You kick, you rear, and you tell everybody they are fat, useless, and you hate them. When you tell the truth it is unvarnished and largely unpalatable. It is, of course, the truth. But sometimes honesty is not the best policy. As a hybrid being, you are prone to extreme reactions – sunk in existential angst one moment, galloping off across the plains the next. You are redeemed by philosophy and jokes.

CAPRICORN

Another symbolic hybrid, you are half goat, half fish. Eh? No wonder you are so focussed on nailing everything down. And you never give up. You run corporations, you direct your own movies, you live your dream. So why are you so lugubrious? The answer is simple. Half of you climbs the mountain. The other half messes around, making surreal jokes and partying hard in expensive locations. You are not good at conflict resolution -you are not a Libran. It’s depressing. Luckily you tend to live for a long time and might get it right eventually.

AQUARIUS

Lovely, impartial, humanitarian you. There you are with your amazing ideas, your cutting edge philosophy, your wise objectivity….you are the future. But wait. It’s not all eco-friendly in there is it? Somewhere in your head is a laboratory, a space station or the world wide web. Your interest in others can be a tad chilly when it comes down to one-on-one. You encourage them, they respond, you feel claustrophohic. Intimacy? Just say no. Floundering about in the swamps of the human heart slows you down. And seriously, you do have worlds to conquer.

PISCES

It is said you contain within yourself the personality traits of all the other signs of the zodiac. You are the shape-shifter, the walker between the worlds, the one who swims to the ocean’s depths in search of poetry, wine, and the secrets of the universe. This is why you are so confused and prone to shooting yourself in the foot. At your best, after many incarnations, you learn to confuse others by casting spells and morphing into whatever they want you to be. You are a hall of mirrors with no exit sign. Embracing quantum theory may help. Or it may not.

Jane Lyle (via pseudo-intellectual-astrobitch)

The episode of south park is on where the internet gets shut down and it’s so real right now